Sometimes life takes away everything happy. It leaves you alone, hurt, and wishing it was over.
Other times, it makes you feel so alive, full of raw, and beautiful emotion. I find myself growing more and more attracted to Big. He's kind, funny, and we think about things in the same way. I can't believe that I've really found someone that makes me happy in a romantic way. It's all happening so fast too!
I can see Romeo and I know exactly how he feels. I've realized that things can change for the better and I know now what the future can hold. My dreams will keep me soft and warm.
Big plans tomorrow, I get to see Big and hopefully we can move foreward. I was surprised to find that he feels much like I do!
Emily came over today, we watched a bit of antm, and laughing our asses off! As per usual.
Not that she's gone I'm a bit lonely but Big is keeping me amused through our texts, and as for life, I'm ready for tomorrow.
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
A Great Time and The Words I Lost
"Everytime I close my eyes it's you again, you again. And everytime I hear your voice I... don't know what to do with myself" Kate Havnevik "You Again"
I began my day with excitement; I had plans to get a drink with someone a girl at school (thanks Lisa!) had set me up with. I grabbed my things and trotted to school with an unusual amount of enthusiasm, not to say I'm always down but I was quite excited.
I was startled with my arrival at school when a dear friend was found crying, so I walked with her into an empty room and did my best to help her out. The reassuring words flowed naturally, as they should when you care about someone.
The bell rang, and I walked her to class, hoping that her day would get better. I went through my day spreading the news about my plans, and happily, my friends cheered me on with unexpected enthusiasm! I makes me feel great to know I have such amazing people that care about me.
When the final bell had rung I hurried home after a few hops and screams with Molly, whose reaction I particularly loved. We seemed to be in sync today.
I took about 20 minutes to pick my outfit, and struggled with my hair (I'm such a project! Tyra help!), and I was ready a few minutes before the car pulled up, awaiting me.
I hopped in and we were off to get some coffee. I had gotten into the conversation me and my date who I shall name Big (1 because I love sex and the city and 2 because he's so much taller than me) were having so much that I forgot to give him directions and we ended up going the wrong way.
We finally made it to Starbucks and got our drinks, making conversation as we did so. Big was quite funny, and very smart. I was enticed by his eyes, they were very innocent looking. I think my eyes are too small to express how I'm feeling.
We had a lot to talk about but my heart was doing spirals and I couldn't process what to say, so I rambled, my hands dancing along with my words.
I couldn't tell wheather Big was bored or not, but I began to feel self-concious. I suppose looking back on it that it's normal to feel that way but I couldn't think straight at the time.
He admitted that he had to be somewhere at 6:30 and we had to leave. On the drive home we talked about movies and music, and he had a Yelle cd! I nearly fell out of my seat I was so excited. Je Veux Te Voir is an awesome song! Big was quite charming and as I got home I couldn't think of what to do so I said "Let's do it again sometime" and went into my house. I wish I had said something else, something finite like "I like you a lot lets get dinner, call me," but I also don't want to seem foreward.
Now I'm shell shocked and I keep repeating the day in my head, wondering if I was interesting enough...
I hope we can continue to see each other, Big and I. But only the future can tell me.
I began my day with excitement; I had plans to get a drink with someone a girl at school (thanks Lisa!) had set me up with. I grabbed my things and trotted to school with an unusual amount of enthusiasm, not to say I'm always down but I was quite excited.
I was startled with my arrival at school when a dear friend was found crying, so I walked with her into an empty room and did my best to help her out. The reassuring words flowed naturally, as they should when you care about someone.
The bell rang, and I walked her to class, hoping that her day would get better. I went through my day spreading the news about my plans, and happily, my friends cheered me on with unexpected enthusiasm! I makes me feel great to know I have such amazing people that care about me.
When the final bell had rung I hurried home after a few hops and screams with Molly, whose reaction I particularly loved. We seemed to be in sync today.
I took about 20 minutes to pick my outfit, and struggled with my hair (I'm such a project! Tyra help!), and I was ready a few minutes before the car pulled up, awaiting me.
I hopped in and we were off to get some coffee. I had gotten into the conversation me and my date who I shall name Big (1 because I love sex and the city and 2 because he's so much taller than me) were having so much that I forgot to give him directions and we ended up going the wrong way.
We finally made it to Starbucks and got our drinks, making conversation as we did so. Big was quite funny, and very smart. I was enticed by his eyes, they were very innocent looking. I think my eyes are too small to express how I'm feeling.
We had a lot to talk about but my heart was doing spirals and I couldn't process what to say, so I rambled, my hands dancing along with my words.
I couldn't tell wheather Big was bored or not, but I began to feel self-concious. I suppose looking back on it that it's normal to feel that way but I couldn't think straight at the time.
He admitted that he had to be somewhere at 6:30 and we had to leave. On the drive home we talked about movies and music, and he had a Yelle cd! I nearly fell out of my seat I was so excited. Je Veux Te Voir is an awesome song! Big was quite charming and as I got home I couldn't think of what to do so I said "Let's do it again sometime" and went into my house. I wish I had said something else, something finite like "I like you a lot lets get dinner, call me," but I also don't want to seem foreward.
Now I'm shell shocked and I keep repeating the day in my head, wondering if I was interesting enough...
I hope we can continue to see each other, Big and I. But only the future can tell me.
Friday, February 6, 2009
"Closing in, I hope that you make it. Closing in, I hope that you find your way." - Imogen Heap "Closing In"
These are the words I have been pondering the last few days, hoping to find an answer to how I'm feeling. When you can see the finish line, how can you be sure if you can make it there? I go through my days forcing myself to forget what bothers me, hoping that not dealing with life will make it not real. I don't know how long I can fight with myself.
The soul is a wooded path, and within the path is a fork that determines your end. To the left, I can see a person that is strong, or appears to be, but is constantly fighting to pretend nothing is wrong. To the right is a person who has no weight on their shoulders, but has no defenses to keep the world from hurting them. How can we choose? What makes one path better than the other?
Why is it that after seventeen years I still don't know who I really am? And why do I feel like I am always wearing a mask? I heart gets caught up at the thought of letting go. My tear ducts struggle to maintain composure as I quarry on the right path. Can I be myself and if I do will the people I know appreciate who I really am? And in the end, who am I? I still can't say, why is it so hard to know?
I rack my brain for a logical answer to everything, trying not to contemplate the emotional, but an answer will never come, just as closing your eyes will not stop the world from spinning. I am all alone in a sea of consciousness, full of the falsities of my double, the person that isn't afraid of anyone and is as a stone when threatened.
And I have lost myself to that face, a face that I cannot recognise in the mirror, a face that will forever tarnish the core of my being.
The end is closing in, I hope that I find my way...
These are the words I have been pondering the last few days, hoping to find an answer to how I'm feeling. When you can see the finish line, how can you be sure if you can make it there? I go through my days forcing myself to forget what bothers me, hoping that not dealing with life will make it not real. I don't know how long I can fight with myself.
The soul is a wooded path, and within the path is a fork that determines your end. To the left, I can see a person that is strong, or appears to be, but is constantly fighting to pretend nothing is wrong. To the right is a person who has no weight on their shoulders, but has no defenses to keep the world from hurting them. How can we choose? What makes one path better than the other?
Why is it that after seventeen years I still don't know who I really am? And why do I feel like I am always wearing a mask? I heart gets caught up at the thought of letting go. My tear ducts struggle to maintain composure as I quarry on the right path. Can I be myself and if I do will the people I know appreciate who I really am? And in the end, who am I? I still can't say, why is it so hard to know?
I rack my brain for a logical answer to everything, trying not to contemplate the emotional, but an answer will never come, just as closing your eyes will not stop the world from spinning. I am all alone in a sea of consciousness, full of the falsities of my double, the person that isn't afraid of anyone and is as a stone when threatened.
And I have lost myself to that face, a face that I cannot recognise in the mirror, a face that will forever tarnish the core of my being.
The end is closing in, I hope that I find my way...
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