The not-so-big, the time off, and the one phone to rule them all

Things with Big didn't work out. However, I'm not that disappointed. Sometimes you have to be comfortable with just letting people go. One thing that sucks letting go however, is your phone. My phone happened to be deactivated yesterday, and now I have found that phone that is SO me that I can't stand it. The Verizon Blitz! I'm getting it this saturday (fingers crossed).
It's vacation this week, I can't seem to get into the groove of it. The problem could be that my boss decides to give me extra hours every time I have one. I'm not sure what to say other than meh, which is pretty much the decided mood of the day. Oh and also, a note about shady people. There will always be some person in you're life that is shady. It is in knowing which ones they are that you can remove yourself from them. Passivity will not help, but only increase the stress of everyday living. On that note, I'm bouncing.
PEACE!

Big Romance, a Friend, and A Start Of Something Great

Sometimes life takes away everything happy. It leaves you alone, hurt, and wishing it was over.
Other times, it makes you feel so alive, full of raw, and beautiful emotion. I find myself growing more and more attracted to Big. He's kind, funny, and we think about things in the same way. I can't believe that I've really found someone that makes me happy in a romantic way. It's all happening so fast too!
I can see Romeo and I know exactly how he feels. I've realized that things can change for the better and I know now what the future can hold. My dreams will keep me soft and warm.
Big plans tomorrow, I get to see Big and hopefully we can move foreward. I was surprised to find that he feels much like I do!
Emily came over today, we watched a bit of antm, and laughing our asses off! As per usual.
Not that she's gone I'm a bit lonely but Big is keeping me amused through our texts, and as for life, I'm ready for tomorrow.

A Great Time and The Words I Lost

"Everytime I close my eyes it's you again, you again. And everytime I hear your voice I... don't know what to do with myself" Kate Havnevik "You Again"

I began my day with excitement; I had plans to get a drink with someone a girl at school (thanks Lisa!) had set me up with. I grabbed my things and trotted to school with an unusual amount of enthusiasm, not to say I'm always down but I was quite excited.
I was startled with my arrival at school when a dear friend was found crying, so I walked with her into an empty room and did my best to help her out. The reassuring words flowed naturally, as they should when you care about someone.
The bell rang, and I walked her to class, hoping that her day would get better. I went through my day spreading the news about my plans, and happily, my friends cheered me on with unexpected enthusiasm! I makes me feel great to know I have such amazing people that care about me.
When the final bell had rung I hurried home after a few hops and screams with Molly, whose reaction I particularly loved. We seemed to be in sync today.
I took about 20 minutes to pick my outfit, and struggled with my hair (I'm such a project! Tyra help!), and I was ready a few minutes before the car pulled up, awaiting me.
I hopped in and we were off to get some coffee. I had gotten into the conversation me and my date who I shall name Big (1 because I love sex and the city and 2 because he's so much taller than me) were having so much that I forgot to give him directions and we ended up going the wrong way.
We finally made it to Starbucks and got our drinks, making conversation as we did so. Big was quite funny, and very smart. I was enticed by his eyes, they were very innocent looking. I think my eyes are too small to express how I'm feeling.
We had a lot to talk about but my heart was doing spirals and I couldn't process what to say, so I rambled, my hands dancing along with my words.
I couldn't tell wheather Big was bored or not, but I began to feel self-concious. I suppose looking back on it that it's normal to feel that way but I couldn't think straight at the time.
He admitted that he had to be somewhere at 6:30 and we had to leave. On the drive home we talked about movies and music, and he had a Yelle cd! I nearly fell out of my seat I was so excited. Je Veux Te Voir is an awesome song! Big was quite charming and as I got home I couldn't think of what to do so I said "Let's do it again sometime" and went into my house. I wish I had said something else, something finite like "I like you a lot lets get dinner, call me," but I also don't want to seem foreward.
Now I'm shell shocked and I keep repeating the day in my head, wondering if I was interesting enough...
I hope we can continue to see each other, Big and I. But only the future can tell me.

"Closing in, I hope that you make it. Closing in, I hope that you find your way." - Imogen Heap "Closing In"
These are the words I have been pondering the last few days, hoping to find an answer to how I'm feeling. When you can see the finish line, how can you be sure if you can make it there? I go through my days forcing myself to forget what bothers me, hoping that not dealing with life will make it not real. I don't know how long I can fight with myself.
The soul is a wooded path, and within the path is a fork that determines your end. To the left, I can see a person that is strong, or appears to be, but is constantly fighting to pretend nothing is wrong. To the right is a person who has no weight on their shoulders, but has no defenses to keep the world from hurting them. How can we choose? What makes one path better than the other?
Why is it that after seventeen years I still don't know who I really am? And why do I feel like I am always wearing a mask? I heart gets caught up at the thought of letting go. My tear ducts struggle to maintain composure as I quarry on the right path. Can I be myself and if I do will the people I know appreciate who I really am? And in the end, who am I? I still can't say, why is it so hard to know?
I rack my brain for a logical answer to everything, trying not to contemplate the emotional, but an answer will never come, just as closing your eyes will not stop the world from spinning. I am all alone in a sea of consciousness, full of the falsities of my double, the person that isn't afraid of anyone and is as a stone when threatened.
And I have lost myself to that face, a face that I cannot recognise in the mirror, a face that will forever tarnish the core of my being.
The end is closing in, I hope that I find my way...

New Coats, Tears, and Hair Dye

It seems in life that we must change to survive. I had realized this today when I was at Jocelyn's. I'll start at the beginning of my day. I was driven to work by my friend's mom, a.k.a my mom, and all seemed well until my boss arrived. She had no hesitation in notifying me that I have not been pulling my weight. I would had like to punch her in the face and say "You try pulling your weight when for every step you take forward you move ten steps back you fat fucking whore", but I maintained my composure, continuing my shift. 

After work I had been picked up to go back to my friends house and on the way we picked up my friend Kat. I was glad to be picking up Kat, I don't see her that often, but when we had got home my emotions overpowered my logic and I fell into a spiral of sadness and woe. I had felt as though no one had cared that I was sad, or even existed...

A while later I had overcame this feeling to some extent and found the urge to dye my hair. I will not say which color but it is quite a change! I also bought a new jacket that I am loving, it is unique and stylish, while providing heat, things a gay man needs!

I don't know what the future holds but I'm not afraid to face the dawn.

Today I wonder if I will ever be the same. Things go great and suddenly your world is turned upside down. I started my day with the usual amount of inthusiasm, which is about the same as an obese panda would for running a marathon, and I couldn't help but wonder if I was stuck in a rut. As the day carried on, I grew more comfortable and loosened up a bit; cracking jokes, talking to friends, and learning as much as our school system would allow.
After the school bell had signaled a much awaited end to the school day, I stumbled upon Emily in the hall, whom I quickly kidnapped to my house to watch Sex and the City and relax a bit with. We assumed our roles as best friends quickly as new inside jokes and laughter spewed forth from our bodies.
At Emily's departure I began to charge my Ipod when I received an urgent call from my sister, a women who I later learned was in great peril. Suffice to say, my mood completely changed and I have been thrown into a world of chaos and confusion. But I remained strong for my sister and said all the right things, an ability I learned I had after I stopped planning what to say.
All I can say for sure is, day by day, all we can do is our best, and can't be expected to do anything more.

Of snow, rain, boredom, and Silent Hill

Today is a bit slow, nothing exciting in particular is happening... A big thanks to Emily for fixing my music, but awkwardly, the first song, which should be Imogen Heap's "Loose Ends", is a song from one of my favorite games Silent Hill! If I don't blog again.... I'm dead.
The snow falling outside makes me wonder if it will ever be warm again. Everything seems so depressing in winter. There is a darkness looming overhead that in itself is exquisite, however tormenting.
I found myself locked on to ANTM on youtube, a habit I do when I am bored and eat too much. I wonder what tomorrow will bring, or even today... I have a Jiu Jitsu dan test tonight that I find particularly daunting, considering that I psyche myself out of anything where I am being judged.
With all things harsh there is a warmth in the core, and to every warmth there is a tempest raging within, I just seem to be in the eye of the storm.

Ice Cream, Couches, Abortions, and The Church of Judgement

Sometimes you have to wonder what would happen if people acted the way they did alone all of the time. Today started in a heap of confusion (don't they all : D) and all had been well. I felt a bit odd; the day was moving slow and yet fast at the same time... During guidence seminar I was a bit down because of my low gpa. We were talking about colleges and I kept wondering if I was hopeless myself. Much to my surprise I found I could do well in a standard college.
After school me and Emily decided to frolic downtown to Crazy Jane's, a truly crazy place in which pictures attack you and tables are too small to seat two. We sucked down our drinks and laughed at our personal jokes (PAM IS DEAD!) and skipped over to dance class of doom and Ts.
I encountered a couch with the magical ability to force one into sleep, and I watched a riveting show called "Mononoke" in which a woman was attempting to keep her unborn baby protected from lab coated abortion minions of evil! Under the couch's influence I dozed off into a state of comatose, soon relieved by Emily's arrival post-dance.
With a hug and a snug we were off to the library, which we found to be developed into a cyber-prison of change.
Two dollars later we were on the computers signing up for BLOGGER!
About twenty minutes later we strolled over to the church to babysit some kids (poor kids)
and food, glorious glorious food!
An assholy pastor and a few inferrals later me and Emily were officially a couple! (Last time I checked I still love penis) But in the true Emily way we brushed it off and had a nice phone conversation.
I guess in the end all you need is a friend, ice cream, and a good phone call.